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5) I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

Sousa-esque marches played underneath the shrieking demands of an abused 11-year-old obviously forced to sing this song so he untalented hack of a stage mother could vicariously live through her kid for a few seconds is not my idea of Christmas music. Also, you can’t build a hippo in a toy shop, so Santa’s breaking his back for this one, and the lyric “I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage,” makes me feel ill.

Despite reporting to the contrary, these make terrible gifts.

 

4) So This is Christmas

Two Beatles on this list! Good lord. While Sir Paul’s effort was brain-crushingly dull and repetitive, John trumps it in those regards while adding a heaping spoonful of misery and guilt. “And so this is Christmas, and WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” Yes, enjoy your little pagan celebration of consumerism; don’t forget, everyone else is miserable and dying! Keep that in the back of your mind while Grandma opens her new tea cozy. Don’t let her enjoy it, make sure she’s actively supporting the aid to Djibouti. Is she thinking “what have you done”? She’d better be. And that’s only halfway through the song! What did we ever do to you, Lennon?

 

3) Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

This song needs to go away. Something must be done. Yet no one seems to understand. Wonderful, talented, and clearly intelligent musicians like Hannah Montana and Aly & AJ don’t understand that when they do their pop, or God PLEASE forbid, COUNTRY covers of this song, that they are re-animating a long dead corpse, a shuffling plague on mankind, releasing a hollow, cavernous moan from long-decrepit lungs. A zombified song that should have decomposed years ago, yet, like all zombies, it seems to get its license of life renewed when winter freeze descends upon its aged body. The only way to stop a seemingly unstoppable force is with superior force. We must rise. We must.

 

I don’t like songs that tell me how to feel. I will not get a sentimental feeling when I hear voices singing “let’s be jolly”. You know why? I tried finding a song in which those words appear in that order. It doesn’t exist. If maybe it does, it’s not good enough to warrant sentimentality, so there! And don’t get me started on the whole “Christmas Party Hop” or the ####ing “new old-fashioned way”.

 

This is why suicide rates triple this time of year. This song.

 

2) Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

For the horrors of this one to really sink in, you’ve got to read the lyrics and watch the video. I won’t go into detail; you can find both readily online, but here are the high points:

 

“You can say there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa, we believe!”

 

This CHILDREN’S song, in the first refrain, spills the beans on the whole Santa conspiracy. Screw you, Elmo, I got a traumatized six-year-old and we’re only fifteen seconds in.

 

“There were hoofprints on her forehead and incriminating Claus marks on her back...”

 

CLAUS marks. That’s how it’s spelled in the real lyrics. CLAUS. Which means Santa either mangled Grandma’s body with his bare hands, or violated the corpse after she was run over by his sleigh. Ugh.

 

In the final refrain of the music video we see the children use their toys to GRUESOMELY RE-ENACT GRANDMA’S MURDER. To Hell with this family and this song.

 

1) Christmas Shoes

You make it through Christmas Shoes once and no explanation will be necessary. Make sure you listen in a room with low ceilings.

***

 

Merry Christmas, y'all.

\m/

 

Mike Reynolds

Publisher/Editor-in-Chief

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