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This year, people finally caught on to the Cobsy-esque overtones of “Baby it’s Cold Outside” and were SHOCKED, as if most popular Christmas music hasn’t been a crime against humanity since the 1950’s. So in the spirt of improving artistic conditions across the board, we’re running our pal Kyle Van Son’s list of the top eight holiday songs that need to be put to sleep. Note that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” didn’t make the cut.

 

Not even close.

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SONGS TO BURN NEXT TO THE YULE LOG

By Kyle Van Son

8) Santa Baby

Why is this popular? Why does anyone enjoy hearing a trumped-up floozy gold dig her way into Santa’s suit? Is she unaware that he knows who’s naughty and who’s nice? What is her ultimate goal? Seduce Santa and get the deed to a platinum mine? Does this bimbo know what goes into successful mining operations?

 

7) Jingle Bell Rock

Bobby Helms

Amy Grant

Arcade Fire

Ashanti

Billy Idol

Brian Setzer

Chubby Checker

The Chipmunks

Eddie Rabbit

The Fall

Geri Halliwell

Hilary Duff

Johnny Mathis

The Jonas Brothers

KD Lang

Lou Rawls

Neil Diamond

Hall & Oates

The Platters

Rascal Flatts

Wayne Newton

 

These are just a few of the artists that have seen fit to carouse with the Jezebel of the Christmas song world. You will hear this song no less than 700 times before New Year’s Day. And it’s not good. For God’s sake, “Jingle Bells” isn’t good, and adding “Rock” seems to make it even more banal and meaningless. The words “Jingle” and “Bell” appear 19 times each. It’s a mobius strip of a song. Kill it.

6) Wonderful Christmastime

Paul McCartney trades in a baby grand for the demo key on a Casio keyboard for the entirety of this song, and also forgets how to play it. Time stops while listening to this song, it’s so repetitive. The universe will have ended and the dinging and donging of the psychotic “choir of children” will continue ad infinitum.

 

Also, if your song tells me that the day, or the season, or the feeling only comes once a year, you lose. We all do.

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