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Issue #1920

 

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The Blue Bell Licker

 

A few weeks back, a blockheaded young lady went into a Walmart in Lufkin, TX, opened a thing of Blue Bell Tin Roof ice cream, licked it, closed it, and put it back on the shelf for whomever is stupid enough to still buy Blue Bell ice cream. We know she did this because she videotaped the entire chain of events and posted the footage to social media.

Outrage was immediate, and Lufkin cops are talking felony charges—she could have been put away for up to 20 years for her act of tampering with a holy symbol of the Great State (if she were an adult, which was believed at first to be the case). An astonishing number of people were ok with that penalty. After all, as tree antagonist and Texas Governor Greg Abbott put it, “Don’t Mess With Texas... or with Blue Bell” (sic). He also referred to the licker as a “despicable criminal”.

 

We have some things to say about this fiasco:

 

1) She’s a minor. This doesn’t excuse her behavior but it certainly explains why she’d put her own health at risk like this. Teenagers think they’re invincible to everything from car wrecks to STDs. The fact that she could have died from eating Blue Bell didn’t even register in her still-forming, idiot brain. That's Tin Roof from Blue Bell she licking up there. The odds that there's actual rust in it are pretty good.

 

2) Full-grown adults at Blue Bell ran that factory for a minimum of three years knowing they had a listeria problem. They could have shut down production for a week or two and gotten it cleaned up, but preferred to wait until people died and the Feds forced them to do it. Texans went nuts. Not because their favorite treat turned out to be deadly, but because they had to “settle” for H-E-B’s Creamy Creations for a couple months.

 

3) After actually having to be told to keep the air conditioners from leaking into their product, having to destroy the machine that made the Mooo Bars because it was so contaminated it couldn’t be salvaged, having to be taught that one washes things with HOT water—Blue Bell still hasn’t embraced the decades-long food industry practice of using tamper-proof packaging (presumably because the real threat to their stuff is still coming from inside the factory).

 

4) Nobody at Blue Bell went to jail for the deaths of three people and the hospitalization of another ten.

 

5) Governor Abbott did not refer to the people responsible for those deaths and illnesses as “despicable criminals”, and in fact made a big deal about how great Blue Bell’s return to shelves was. One wonders if the Brenham-based industry giant is a contributor to Abbott’s campaign. One will find out.

 

6) Despite their marketing, Blue Bell is not, in any way, a "little creamery". Don't think some mom and pop made a mistake here. This was deadly negligence from a company that, per Forbes, was in sixth place worldwide in the runup to the deaths.

 

7) As punishment for the dummy in the video, we recommend 90 days probation, during which she should only be permitted to eat with a spoon. As for the mofos at Blue Bell that killed three, hospitalized ten, and abused the trust of millions, we suggest some serious, serious jail time. For Blue Bell’s PR enabler, Governor Abbott, a muzzle and a lifetime supply of Chocolate Listeria Crunch.

Also, #### Blue Bell. They messed with Texas.

\m/

Mike Reynolds

Writerist

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