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Now Cedar Fair's got its corn-eating midwestern hands on our own slippery road, and come 2020, my money’s on saying goodbye to free parking and sneaking alcohol past the teenagers who “inspect” our coolers as we enter. Cooler time is over, baby. Towel and sunscreen and that’s it. Pony up with that snack bar money or go hungry. Also, expect all those poorly engineered “swirly zones” in the tube runs to be repaired and for nobody to get their heads lopped off riding stupid contraptions that ought not to have opened in the first place. Another mixed bag.

 

WHATABURGER SELLS OUT TO YANKEE INTERESTS

First, Illinois refused to hand over Santa Anna’s wooden leg, and now it’s come for Whataburger, which isn’t nearly as bad as the Schlitterbahn thing since a significant chunk of the WAB mystique was destroyed the minute the first Texas In-N-Out Burger opened in the DFW back in 2011. I mean, the bloom’s been off the Whataburger rose for a good long while so perhaps it’s for the best. Maybe they’ll ditch the burgers and finally go all-in on that 24-hour exclusively breakfast/chicken sandwich menu they’ve been kicking around and be done with it. Face it, y’all only go there for breakfast and chicken, and the powers that be in Chicago have the receipts to prove it.

 

We Checked Up On Some Other Texas Brands

HEB is still privately owned and operated, ostensibly by the Butt family. DON’T LAUGH. Also, remember they got caught defrauding Medicare in their pharmacy department, which is a time-honored, hill country tradition. #thescooterstore

 

Blue Bell Ice Cream is still run by Brenham’s Kruse family, but word is that operators out of Liberia and Sierra Leone have their collective eye on the brand, as it has a proven track record as acting as a vector for a variety of diseases and a customer base that practically begs to let the company get away with it.

 

Big Red is still a Texas company. Also, yuck.

 

Shiner Beer remains Texan, but the San Antonio-based family that runs it also operates breweries in PORTLAND, Oregon and BERKLEY, California, so maybe watch them close. That’s nothing short of a suspicious hippie trend. Maybe they should move out of Texas entirely and into Austin if they like being hippies so much.

 

Lone Star Beer is produced in Ft Worth, but is owed by people in Milwaukee which is in the mutha’ ####### Midwest.

 

Dallas’ 7-11 sold out to Japan in 2005. Dr Pepper is still intact as Texas brand, but Imperial Sugar, which made the Dr P great, is now produced out-of-state. Gebhardt Chili Powder, invented right here at NB’s legendary Phoenix Saloon, is now owned by Californians; no doubt LIBERAL ELITES.

 

You like Frito-Pie? Fritos are ultimately a New York State product, because Pepsico. Wolf Brand Chili is run out of ####### Chicago by ConAgra. While we’re at it, so is Ro-Tel. Pace Picante Sauce, the advertising of which advocated the death penalty for anyone serving salsa made in New York City, has the unmitigated gall to be produced in New Jersey. New ####### Jersey. Get a rope.

 

Get me a gods damned rope.

\m/

 

Mike Reynolds

Writerist

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