Hey, did y’all get what you wanted for Election Day? 


Rafael Cruz’s gambit of using an Anglo nickname (“Ted”) to sell himself as a white American paid off big time as the Canadian-born senator trounced soon-to-be-unemployed Texas native Robert o'Rourke by what might be a record margin of 50.9% to 48.3% statewide. 

As Cruz v o'Rourke sucked all the air out of every other race in Texas, you might not know how the rest of ‘em turned out. So here’s how they turned out: 



Red Governor Greg Abbott ran one heck of a race, with blue challenger Lupe Valdez finishing a distant second in a contest that ended 55.9% to 42.5%. This despite Abbott’s continuing refusal to stand for the US national anthem. 


Spare Governor 

GOP Lieutenant Governor and restroom monitor Dan Patrick’s winning tough-love campaign against Dem Mike Collier came in at 51.3% to 46.4%, which is an odd margin considering how the Abbott/Valdez race finished. Greg and Dan should be expected go hand-in-hand on this stuff, except that would be weird and against God’s law. 


Attorney General 

AG and sometime-in-the-very-near-future-felon Ken Paxton won his re-election bid against Justin Nelson 50.6% to 47%. In case you forgot, Paxton is facing indictments for securities fraud, which in the current political climate is a boost for anybody running as a Republican. I mean, Nevada pimp Dennis Hof is DEAD and he still won his race for the Battle Born’s 36th Assembly District. Indeed, it is a glorious time for the party of Lincoln. 


Commissioner of Ag 

All hat/No ethics Ag Commissioner and rodeo clown Sid Miller is getting another term to hold “optional” staff Bible studies in his government office and illegally charge taxpayers for his voodoo medical treatments, beating Dem Kim Olson 51.3% to 46.4%.  


Commissioner of Land 

George P Bush won his race for Land Commissioner, taking out Democrat Miguel Suazo, 53.7% to 43.1%. I don’t know about y’all, but the fact that there’s a George Bush in office somewhere is comforting AF to me. Who among us wouldn’t set the Wayback machine for 2003? I mean really.  



Glenn Hegar gets to be Texas Comptroller, which is the consolation prize of all elected positions. It’s barely an office. The comptroller barely GETS an office. Not only that, most people cannot confidently describe what a comptroller does or pronounce the title because it’s not phoneticJoi Chevalier lost this match-up, 43.4% to 53.2%, which is almost the same as winning.